The Thought Box.

I Am Learning To {Heart} My Body… One Day At A Time!

Thursday, 25th October 2012

I Am Learning To {Heart} My Body… One Day At A Time!

weheartlife.com

When I saw this linky come up in my news feed the other day, I wasn’t real sure that I would participate in it. I mean if there is a person out there that has major, major body image issues, the finger would be pointed directly at me.

There’s no denying that.

So why am I here, even contemplating a blog post on this matter? Well because I made a promise to someone.

I had a Common Chaos Chronicle Facebook reader inbox me and share with me how things had gone to shit in her life right now. She wanted to know how I did everything I do each day and remain sane and I told her the truth.

I said “I don’t”.

I am as ‘normal’ as the next personΒ  and I too have a bucket load of crap that I get overwhelmed with and avoid working on. I also offered this lady some advice, well I just basically told her what I would do in her situation, and I made her the promise that if she faced some of these things in her life, then I would face some of my ‘issues’ too.

So I’m coming good on my promise.

Accepting my body for what it is and loving it all the same is one thing I have never, ever been able to do.

For as long as I can remember my life has been one giant rollercoaster of diets and weight-loss plans in a desperate attempt to find the skinny, beautiful me.

It has shaped my mental instability for so many years. It’s the reason I cry so much. It’s the reason I have no confidence at all. Until now, this is something that I have only shared with a psychologist. Today, I am going to face it, so here goes…

As a young teenager I was tormented daily by people about my weight. School was a nightmare. I hated it.

I didn’t ‘fit in’ the cool groups….literally. I couldn’t wear the brand name clothes that they did so I was excluded.

I was laughed at in shopping centers and malls. I once had a big group of older guys surround me at a shopping complex and abuse me for being nothing but a horrid pig and a waste of space. They told me that ‘people like you should not be allowed here, you’re too fat and ugly’.

The deal breaker for me was my high school love. We’d speak every night on the phone for hours and hours. We’d share the most deepest and intimate secrets and thoughts with each other. I was certain he was the one…. Until he told me I was everything he ever dreamed of in a woman, except he preferred the look of my best friend because she wasn’t overweight.

From that day on, I hated every part of me.

Fast forward a few years from there I met my hubby and fell in love. With him. Not me.

Our relationship hit it off quick and before I knew it we were living together and 8 months down the track my dreams had come true when I finally fell pregnant. In the dark. Because I was petrified of having the lights on.

Initially I was so pumped with excitement at the fact that we were having a baby that I embraced my ever growing bump like nobodies business (when I wasn’t puking that is). At the 20 week scan we found out we were expecting twins! More excitement.

It wasn’t until around 30 weeks that I even gained a stretch mark.

As the babies grew, so did I and by the time I was 37weeks pregnant, I could put my back on one side of the door jamb and my twin belly would touch the other side. I was massive!

I had the twins at 38 weeks and was totally consumed by my love for them. So much so that it wasn’t until my 6 week check up that I realised I hadn’t even looked at myself in a mirror since the birth, let alone naked.

I was devastated when I took a peek.

In my eyes I was everything those guys had said in the shopping center, except now it was worse because I was like an overstretched zebra as well.

I sit here now, 8 years later, having had 6 babies, and put on a whole heap of weight with each one and I look for ways to break the cycle. To break up the thought process in my mind that lets me believe all these horrible things about myself.

I have heard people saying that you can’t love someone else unless you love yourself, and I have a lot of love to give, so I best start somewhere.

Somewhere is here. Now.

heart body 2012

My body is not perfect. I do not love what it looks like, but I am learning to.

I am slowly altering the image in my head of ‘beautiful, sexy, attractive’ to fit with what I have got, not what I wish I had.

What I do love about my body is that it has carried me this far in life.

It has given me the gift of 6 amazing, inspiring clever little human beings.

It has fed these little people.

My body is loved for each zebra stripe on it, because without those stripes, I would not have my family.

Maybe next year, I will love a whole lot more of me. Hopefully.

What do you love about your body?

 


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    17 comments
    1. Oh Jacqui, people can be so mean! I can't believe those boys siad that to you. Or the boy you fell in love with either. What a stupid idiot! Shallow and superficial. It's hard to love oneself isn't it? I know that too well. You would probably think, "Why the hell has she got to be so shitty about her body for?" Well, Jacqui, if you married someone who as superficial, someone who chose you because of how you looked, it would make you feel like shit too. Because you know don't and can't look 19 forever. I've had to feel like crap (still occasionally do) eversince I've had kids. And it doesn't help if your husband thinks you're invisible. But now, I've come to realise it's not worth the effort to make HIM notice me. It's best I do it for myself and that I am. So should you Jacqui! xx Love yourself first, then you can hold your head up high and know you ARE beautiful. You are btw. xx

    2. karen nightingale

      Jac, u r amazing, that was so straight from the hip, please believe in yourself, you have a hubby and children and u hold it together, we all lose it some time, so be kinder to yourself on this journey, thank you for sharing with us all

    3. I love my legs + my boobs. Thank you for participating this year; body loving doesn't happen instantly, it takes time xx

    4. Oh my goodness :( No one EVER deserves to be treated like that!! I've loved seeing your Aussie Curves posts - owning your body and lookin fabulous while you do it! Keep on going Jacqui!

    5. I think you're simply beautiful. I'm sorry you had to experience such judgement and rejection. That hurts so much. I think learning to love ourselves -- all of us, bodies and everything else -- is a lifelong exercise. Each year it gets better and easier. x

    6. Sometimes it takes sharing all that hurt for it to start healing. Unkind words, rejection by someone you care about and being attacked like that are traumas and something you need to recover from. So I am ridiculously proud of you for committing to this. I hope someday soon you look in the mirror and feel some love for you. I loved this post, it broke my damn heart, but I loved it. xo

    7. Krystal

      This is such a special post - straight from your {heart}. I admire you so much for having the courage to write about this! I read a quote recently, your post reminded me of it, your not a Zebra hahaha "You should be proud, your a god-damn Tiger, and you've earned every one of your stripes!"

    8. I'm sorry you had to endure such horrible taunts. People can be so nasty. Like you, I had a guy who once told me he'd 'chosen the wrong friend', not weight related, but because I was brunette, flat-chested and quirky and my best friend was a vivacious curvy blonde. It doesn't do great things for the self esteem and when it happens it's so hard to remember that it's what's inside that matters. You are so so far from ugly. Those guys from the shopping complex know nothing x

    9. So honest. Wow! Once we have children our body is something else. And I hope the days are long gone from those early years in high school. May your confidence continue to grow. I know it will. Xo

    10. I can understand your pain and lingering self doubt after receiving such dreadful treatment from those knuckle heads. People sometimes say shitty things without realizing the hurt they are causing. The problem is truly with them not you. Try and see yourself through your husband and kids eyes.

    11. It makes me so sad that people can be like that. It's hard enough to feel confident about ourselves without extra taunts. You're an attractive woman and your body has made beautiful babies!

    12. The hurt of some of the awful words I received during high school still burn me too, its hard to fathom how cruel people can be. I don't think my body would handle carrying 6 babies as you have, what a beautiful gift your body has given you! I hope this is a giant step towards the greater love for yourself you so deserve x

    13. Beautiful post Jac and those jerks knew nothing . I love how you had turned it around with a positive spin about your babies.

    14. My heart cried for highschool you! What awful memories to have to carry through life with you. When I look at you I do not see a horrid pig, I do not see fat or ugly. I see beauty, I see love, I see happiness x

    15. You DESERVE to love yourself! I hope next year you're bursting at the seams with self confidence! x

    16. What a horrid time you had :( Like you, I think it really helps to see what our bodies have done for us rather than how they look x

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