Today is R U OK? Day and I wasn’t planning on writing much this year. Sometimes there’s just no words to make sense of what I want to say.
The other day when seeing my psychologist, she compared the person I am today to the person that wandered through her doors a fair time ago. She thinks I’m almost there, almost ‘sorted’ so to speak.
I see things in a different light most of the time, I am juggling my time a whole lot better and the value I put on my life and the importance of it has increased dramatically.
So why do I feel so bloody shit lately? Why are all the things I have dealt with in the past constantly coming back up, eating away at my mind and burrowing their way back to my core?
It’s that story of worthlessness coming back and this time I am determined not to let it win. I have the tools to beat it now, but it doesn’t mean I’m not going to have some really off days either.
I was early for school pick up the other day, and the morning had already been hell on earth. As I was waiting in the car for the kids to come out of school I could feel a wave of anxiety slowly creeping over me.
I didn’t want it to take over, I knew I had to drive the big stupid bus so I grabbed my phone and started typing in the notes as fast as I could. If I could get the feelings out of my mind by writing them down it would be worth it.
I found this note just before when I was creating a new note in my phone, and thought that if I was ever going to share it, R U OK? Day would be the perfect place. So here’s what I wrote:
It’s like being in a clouded, smoke filled room, there’s no fresh air to breathe in, to relieve the harsh smoke in your lungs.
There’s no space between you and the smoke, it touches you all over, smothering you.
Your vision is dimmed as you turn yourself in circles, aimlessly trying to find a way out of the panic.
It takes over until you pass out and no longer feel anything….
Anxiety feels just like that for me, except that description is the feeling that I get in my mind.
I think it’s very hard to describe to someone, who does not suffer from anxiety, exactly what it feels like, and I guess it’s always going to be a little different for everyone.
I chose to share that little personal snippet in my phone because I know I’m not the only one that feels this way, and I know I’m not the only one that was petrified to face it.
If sharing those few words helps just one person to open up and seek some help, then it was more than worth it.
Facing the fact that I had developed anxiety, when I had never suffered from it before was frightening, but I’d hate to think how I would be now if I didn’t do something about it.
If you are not feeling OK, I urge you to contact your doctor ASAP, or even give Lifeline a call. The number is 13 11 14.