My Biggest Critic Is……

I have been doing a hell of a lot of soul searching lately.

Depression has kicked in hardcore on top of my anxiety.

While I still have some good days, there have been many bad ones.

I find it so hard to be enthusiastic about anything.

Well I get excited but soon after comes that voice in my head that has to ruin it for me.

You know, the one that always brings up the negatives, the ‘what if’s’ and so on.

That’s right, I now declare myself my own worst critic.

For as long as I can remember, I have been hard on myself.

I think it stems from childhood feelings of ‘never being good enough’.

I have struggled with being me my whole life.

It’s always been comparisons after comparisons.

That constant need to please and do whats right by others.

The feelings of self doubt, not fitting in and not making the cut.

For years the words that some people say have cut right through me and it’s instantly personal…. to me.

But these words aren’t always meant that way.

By facing all of these feelings, I have realised that I  judge myself far too much.

And I judge negatively, time and time again.

A sophisticated woman looks me up and down while we’re out and I automatically assume what she’s thinking.

“That lady is so fat”

“She’s got too many kids”

“Wonder if they all have the same dad”

“What does that man see in her”

and so on…..

Except maybe the sophisticated woman wasn’t thinking that at all.

Perhaps she was thinking…

“Wow, look at her kids, she’s doing a great job with them”

“I wish I could start a family”

“Have I left it too late?”

“She’s so lucky to have 6 healthy happy children”

and so on….

I guess my point is, we never know what someone else is thinking unless they say it to our face.

I am a professional at assuming what people are thinking, and letting those thoughts bring me down.

It’s an easy enough thing to do.

Changing my thought processes and concentrating on positives is going to be a huge change for me.

Like somebody trying to quit smoking, it’s a bad habit, that I need to break and I don’t think I am alone.

Women judge other women, far too much.

I too have been guilty of it. We probably all have.

But why do we judge ourselves?

As if society is not hard enough on us!!!

I long for the day where I have practiced changing my thoughts so much that they’re no longer instantly negative.

I long for the day that I can say I have a purpose and it’s worthwhile and truly believe in myself once again.

It’s time for the low to make a move and go….

Jac with sun glasses on

Have you ever felt like this before?

Do you self judge and criticize yourself far too much?

What are you doing to love you for you?

 

 


signature

8 Thoughts on “My Biggest Critic Is……

  1. Can you read my mind? Seriously, these are the exact same thoughts that go through my own head every day! And if we actually find we succeed at something we feel like a “fraud” and have to put ourselves down be all humble again, unlike a man who would just take the pat on the back and brag about it to the next person who comes along!

  2. Good on you for continuing to push through, and share your journey through it all. To me, that’s inspiring.
    I also face this (in fact, most of what you wrote sounded like my point of view), and although Im still fighting everyday, its becoming enough!!
    Big hugs:) x

  3. I feel like this too, some days, and it is really hard to change the negative thoughts. It’s as if they are automatic. If you want to change your negative thoughts to positive there is a good book call ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ written by Louise Hay, which is exactly about helping you change negative thoughts.

  4. I get these horrible thoughts too and it drags me down so much…
    I will reccommend a book for you Jac, it’s called ‘Kiss My Tiara’.
    It is one of the best “self-help books” I have ever read and is written by a young woman who grew up spending a lot of time with her grandmother who was the type who called a spade, a spade. She says things like: “Have another piece of cake… and wash it down with a gin and tonic!”
    Whenever I’m feeling down, I pick this book up and just open it to any chapter and start reading. It instantly brightens my day, because the advice is so no-nonsense, straight-up and sh*ts all over the crap you see in women’s magazines, that I know, drive me nuts. Thinking that I will never be good enough, or up to that standard, or thin enough, and blah blah blah, definately well worth the read!

  5. Oh yes! I think we all do at some stage. How refreshing to hear someone talking about it!! Hope things are looking and feeling up. 🙂

  6. I certainly have. Time and again. I have a post in my drafts for this week or next on how I am currently fighting my negative self with gratitude. But, man it’s hard. I don’t know why so many of us seem hardwired to think the worst and put ourselves down first and foremost. It’s frustrating. I hope you’re winning the war today x

  7. Oh, I also wanted to say I really like that photo of you!

  8. I think we all go through what you’re experiencing to some degree. Hang in there! I really like your blog and I think you’re a very talented writer 🙂 Your experiences and words touch the lives of many people as evidenced by the many posts in response to your article. Hang tough girl. Everything will be alright 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

Post Navigation