I have been doing a hell of a lot of soul searching lately.
Depression has kicked in hardcore on top of my anxiety.
While I still have some good days, there have been many bad ones.
I find it so hard to be enthusiastic about anything.
Well I get excited but soon after comes that voice in my head that has to ruin it for me.
You know, the one that always brings up the negatives, the ‘what if’s’ and so on.
That’s right, I now declare myself my own worst critic.
For as long as I can remember, I have been hard on myself.
I think it stems from childhood feelings of ‘never being good enough’.
I have struggled with being me my whole life.
It’s always been comparisons after comparisons.
That constant need to please and do whats right by others.
The feelings of self doubt, not fitting in and not making the cut.
For years the words that some people say have cut right through me and it’s instantly personal…. to me.
But these words aren’t always meant that way.
By facing all of these feelings, I have realised that I judge myself far too much.
And I judge negatively, time and time again.
A sophisticated woman looks me up and down while we’re out and I automatically assume what she’s thinking.
“That lady is so fat”
“She’s got too many kids”
“Wonder if they all have the same dad”
“What does that man see in her”
and so on…..
Except maybe the sophisticated woman wasn’t thinking that at all.
Perhaps she was thinking…
“Wow, look at her kids, she’s doing a great job with them”
“I wish I could start a family”
“Have I left it too late?”
“She’s so lucky to have 6 healthy happy children”
and so on….
I guess my point is, we never know what someone else is thinking unless they say it to our face.
I am a professional at assuming what people are thinking, and letting those thoughts bring me down.
It’s an easy enough thing to do.
Changing my thought processes and concentrating on positives is going to be a huge change for me.
Like somebody trying to quit smoking, it’s a bad habit, that I need to break and I don’t think I am alone.
Women judge other women, far too much.
I too have been guilty of it. We probably all have.
But why do we judge ourselves?
As if society is not hard enough on us!!!
I long for the day where I have practiced changing my thoughts so much that they’re no longer instantly negative.
I long for the day that I can say I have a purpose and it’s worthwhile and truly believe in myself once again.
It’s time for the low to make a move and go….
Have you ever felt like this before?
Do you self judge and criticize yourself far too much?
What are you doing to love you for you?