Friday was a big day for me.
I faced something that I have been avoiding for the last 12months or maybe even more.
I took myself to a doctor and left with a diagnosis of Post Natal Depression.
Although the doctor has assured me that I am ‘depressed’ and it doesn’t really matter what is causing it, it’s in the Post Natal Phase so that’s the label I am getting.
I titled this post “The diagnosis I did not want” because I right now, in a way, I feel like I’ve let everyone down. The doctor also assures me that this feeling is fairly common too.
Apparently, I’ve had a lot on my plate for the last few years. I’ve never really stopped to look at it that way.
Life continues to throw me curve balls and I carry on dealing with them, the only way I know how.
This time, I could feel the depression creeping up.
Some day’s I could hardly summons the energy to get out of bed, let alone cope with the day. I would push through and force myself, petrified that if I let the ‘overwhelming’ get me, I’d never look up.
The exhaustion was getting worse and worse. I would sleep for 8 hours and feel like I’d been up all night.
As the day’s went by I began to feel more and more isolated. Half of me want’s to pour my heart out to my friends and family and the other half of me stops and says things like “They’ve got enough on their plate already”, “They wont understand” or “They’ll assume I’m unstable and incapable if I reach out”.
So until now, I really haven’t said much about anything at all.
I guess I have had a lot on my plate, whether I chose to see it like that or not.
I started my family with twins and only 12 months later, totally infatuated with parenthood, had a 3rd.
While I was pregnant with Zaf (#3) my mother suffered a large stroke and my pop passed away.
It took a long while for mum to be able to communicate with us, to talk, write, function and so on.
Mum went in for a fairly routine and common dental procedure and came out an entirely different person.
I would spend hours with mum and it felt like I was with a complete stranger. I was always super close with my mum and used to boast that I had ‘THE COOLEST’ mother ever.
After the stroke, it was like an actor had stepped in and taken on the role of mum. It looked and sounded like her, but her personality, and the way she behaved were that of someone else.
I know it is in no way my mum’s fault that any of this happened, and I am so grateful that she is here with us everyday. I guess I am just trying to say that it has been one of the biggest and greatest challenges of my life so far. Not a day goes by where I don’t wish that I could rewind, change what happened or simply have my old mum back.
I know it can’t be. I know she probably feels the same way. Life just sucks like that.
Then I lost my pop too.
A couple of day’s before pop passed away, he pulled me aside and told me that I had truly made him proud. Pop is the only man, well person really, that has ever said those words to me. And then he was gone.
I took it pretty hard really. But I had no time to grieve. I had to look after my babies and my mum and my belly, which was only a month off having Zaf.
Whilst all of this was happening, a week to the day before delivering baby Zafirah, my husband lost his job. They told him he was too unreliable.
He had to take a fair bit of time off work to help me. To help with the twins while I helped mum. To be there for us.
Unfortunately they didn’t care about that and this meant that we struggled financially.
We faced bankruptcy and worked our arses off to avoid it. We did everything and anything to keep afloat while my husband searched for work.
There were times when we didn’t know where our next meal was coming from.
But we survived. We got through and when worked popped up we slowly got back on our feet.
Before long I was pregnant with number 4 and life felt like it was finally headed in the right direction.
After having baby Veruca, we decided it might be time to get married.
So I spent the best part of 12 months organising and planning our special day.
Not long after our wedding my dad took ill.
It took a long time to work out what was going on, but he had cancer in his esophagus.
Dealing with Dad’s cancer was massive, and I will explain it in detail in a separate post.
Novemeber 30 will be 3 years since we lost him.
Levi was only 6months old. Elijah wasn’t even thought of. So much has changed since then, yet I still can’t cope with that last day.
Since Dad passed away I have been nursing an overwhelming sadness.
People tell me it gets easier and that it does get better, but so far, I just get sadder, angrier and more distraught that all of this had to happen.
Add on top of that load, an extra baby, a marriage that needs heaps of work, a house to keep, a weight problem, a failing support system, a lack of decent income and all the other things life throws at us and that’s where I am at now.
Some days I don’t even know where to start. My brain cannot begin to process and those day’s are hard.
For the most part I am OK. I cry a lot, mostly to myself.
I don’t have thoughts of self harm or harming others.
When it’s bad, I just want to be left alone. Or held really tight. Neither of which happen in my world.
I’m doing things to help myself. I’m talking to people, I’m trying to let go of the fears and be sociable. (That too is a whole other post waiting to happen).
I have seen a doctor and he’s put me on some medication.
It’s a last resort for me. I have avoided it for so many years now. I have had all these preconceived ideas in my head about tablets and weight gain and drowsiness and a million other things.
Most of all I so desperately wanted Elijah and so desperately wanted to breastfeed him too.
Today, this morning, as I swallowed that tablet I cried again, knowing that my breastfeeding journey is officially over.
It’s for the greater good. And I gave it my very best shot.
It’s times like these that I am thankful for this blog.
The support that I receive in comments and on the Common Chaos Facebook page are always a great motivator. I am glad I have built up this little community.
While I have been doing a lot of sponsored and promotional work lately it’s because of 3 reasons.
The first being that those posts are allowing me to give my kids a Christmas, so please don’t get too upset with me.
I know some readers are wondering where the regular day to day chaos posts are and there have been a few, just not as many as normal, but the second reason for the lack of personal posts is that some days I sit down to write and I just cry.
Some days it’s just too hard.
I get a lot of emails and messages from people telling me how much I inspire them, how I have motivated them and helped them simply by blogging. That is the best payment anyone could ever give me.
I have replied and told these lovely people just how ‘normal’ I am.
Some days I just don’t want to inflict my negativity on you all. It’s not that I’m not being truthful, it’s just that I don’t have the words to describe it.
The 3rd reason is that I get so much out of my interactions with the readers on my blog that I like to give something back. Especially just before Christmas!
I will keep you all updated on my progress and let you know how I am going. Even just writing this post here has lifted a little weight off my shoulders.
There will be more personal posts and sponsored posts coming up.
Please bare with me while I find my feet again.