There’s something that has been playing on my mind for ages and I haven’t been able to put it down into blog form simply because it’s emotional and I don’t like writing emotional posts when other people are around me.
There will be tears…. for sure.
Now I know this is going to sound a little odd, but ever since I had Elijah on the 2nd of July, I have had an overwhelming feeling of emptiness inside of me.
It’s not something I have been able to discuss with anyone as whenever I have mentioned it, I have been scoffed at, or told not to be silly, or frowned upon because I should be grateful.
Let me explain….
I’m really going to miss this:
When Elijah was born via C-Section, I had my tubes tied at the same time.
To be perfectly honest, I did not want my tubes tied at all.
Although I signed the paperwork, it was not really my decision.
I signed that paperwork because everyone told me I had to.
The doctors recommended it because I was having my 5th c-section.
They scared me with their mumbo jumbo and death related stories that may or may not ever happen.
My husband admitted that he didn’t want anymore children after Elijah.
After a rocky year I didn’t want to put anymore pressure on our relationship.
Our relatives made it quite clear they thought we’d had enough.
Which I would totally understand if they were here to help and support us everyday but they’re not at all so I totally don’t understand the pressure and judgement that is always forced upon us…..
So anyway, I bowed to the peer pressure and signed the papers.
During my whole pregnancy I questioned if it was the right thing to do.
I had always wanted 6 children and Elijah would be number 6, so what was the big deal I would tell myself.
I tried to convince myself that it was the right thing to do for my health.
I wanted so bad to believe that it was the right thing to do for our children.
But a part of me knows that no matter what lies or excuses or even facts that I tell myself, the great big empty will always be there.
I love my kids to the moon and back. I wouldn’t trade my job as a mum for the world.
My children weren’t accidents, they were all planned and have been loved since they were a positive mark on a pregnancy test.
I’ve wanted to be many things in this lifetime but the one constant was always a loving caring mum.
In a sense I kind of feel like I have been robbed of that right as I am no longer able to have anymore children.
I know we weren’t having anymore kids but it feels so damn final. So useless and empty.
And some see that as ungrateful, unappreciative of what I do have and that’s not the case at all.
I know I am blessed and very lucky to have my babies.
I know that with all my heart.
So why the big empty?
Was I really not finished? Will I forever be asking myself that? Will the big empty fade over time?
If I could have had children naturally, would we have kept going?
Do I only feel this way because the last 8 years of my life have been filled with pregnancy?
Who knows hey?
Maybe the great big ‘What if”s?’ will haunt me forever…
All is said and done and can’t be changed now, this is my life and it certainly is busy enough.
I love it for every little part of it’s craziness.
I just hope I can fill that strange emptiness sometime soon.
If you have experienced something like this, or know exactly what I’m talking about, I’d love to hear how you look at it.
Love Jac xox