This isn’t an easy post for me to write. I don’t think it’s ever easy to write solely from the heart. But I’m going to give it my best shot!
What makes me tick- Part 1.
I believe that everything that happens in your life, shapes you to some extent. Whether it be the simplest little things or a life changing event. Somewhere in the back of your mind, it’s had an affect on who you are.
7 years ago I became a mum. A life long dream of mine, along side becoming a rock star and touring the world…. yep, you read that right. I had big dreams. I was even going to take my kids on tour with me…..
Now back to reality!
OK, so I never rocked out big time. In fact after gaining my Diploma of Music Business Management, I quit the music industry all together and moved to the bush. Why you ask? Because some knob at a CD shop told me I was too ‘large’ and didn’t ‘look’ the part for the job even though he then went on to tell me how I was more qualified & knowledgeable than the school leavers he had recently employed.
Shattered at the thought of not even being able to get a job in a lousy CD shop, my dreams of rockin’ stages all over the world hit the ground like a coin from a skyscraper.
This is the moment that I truly developed a massive self esteem issue. No matter how many times I have tried to convince myself otherwise, that moment in the job interview set something off in my head that never ever leaves my mind. It didn’t matter that I was qualified, had a broader music knowledge than anyone else I knew at the time or that I had experience in sales and at a CD distribution center.
All that mattered was what I looked like. I wasn’t slim, I didn’t wear hipster jeans and low-cut tops. I didn’t have a tedious fake giggle and a plastic attitude to life. I was real, and I got told I was not suitable that way.
So when the opportunity arose to purchase a quaint little house in the country, I jumped at the idea. I moved bush with my then partner and set up home with the plan of renovating the house and moving back to Melbourne in 2 years time. I also had a plan of my own circling my mind. I wanted to use these 2 years of country living to reinvent myself. I wanted to lose all my weight, and become that woman that does get hired….. hmmmm
Only things never go to plan.
The relationship I was in was far from healthy. As it deteriorated, so did my mental state. I was depressed. Big time. I was suffering from full blown anxiety attacks and could not even leave the house. I had developed a fear far greater than any other I had ever known. I was too scared to let people see me, to talk to people or to be a part of society.
Needless to say it was a long recovery. I had my parents by my side and step by step I gradually put the pieces of my life back together. I was finally strong enough to end the relationship I was in, and went on to meet my future husband.
I could work again and I had a new focus in life. I wanted to have a family. Be a mum. Just like in the beginning but without the tour buses and light shows…
I still to this date have major self esteem issues related to my weight. I’m not sure they will ever really disappear, I have just learnt to manage them a whole lot better. I am now on a weight-loss journey, but not for the CD shop man, for me, for my health and most of all for my children.
Stay tuned for Part 2, another insight into what makes me, ME!