What Makes Me Tick...

What Makes me Tick – Part 1

Sunday, 7th August 2011

What Makes me Tick – Part 1

This isn’t an easy post for me to write. I don’t think it’s ever easy to write solely from the heart. But I’m going to give it my best shot!

What makes me tick- Part 1.

I believe that everything that happens in your life, shapes you to some extent. Whether it be the simplest little things or a life changing event. Somewhere in the back of your mind, it’s had an affect on who you are.

A photo of me before having the kids

7 years ago I became a mum. A life long dream of mine, along side becoming a rock star and touring the world…. yep, you read that right. I had big dreams. I was even going to take my kids on tour with me…..

Now back to reality!

OK, so I never rocked out big time. In fact after gaining my Diploma of Music Business Management, I quit the music industry all together and moved to the bush. Why you ask?Β  Because some knob at a CD shop told me I was too ‘large’ and didn’t ‘look’ the part for the job even though he then went on to tell me how I was more qualified & knowledgeable than the school leavers he had recently employed.

Shattered at the thought of not even being able to get a job in a lousy CD shop, my dreams of rockin’ stages all over the world hit the ground like a coin from a skyscraper.

This is the moment that I truly developed a massive self esteem issue.Β  No matter how many times I have tried to convince myself otherwise, that moment in the job interview set something off in my head that never ever leaves my mind. It didn’t matter that I was qualified, had a broader music knowledge than anyone else I knew at the time or that I had experience in sales and at a CD distribution center.

All that mattered was what I looked like. I wasn’t slim, I didn’t wear hipster jeans and low-cut tops. I didn’t have a tedious fake giggle and a plastic attitude to life. I was real, and I got told I was not suitable that way.

Barbie image from google

So when the opportunity arose to purchase a quaint little house in the country, I jumped at the idea. I moved bush with my then partner and set up home with the plan of renovating the house and moving back to Melbourne in 2 years time. I also had a plan of my own circling my mind. I wanted to use these 2 years of country living to reinvent myself. I wanted to lose all my weight, and become that woman that does get hired….. hmmmm

Only things never go to plan.

The relationship I was in was far from healthy. As it deteriorated, so did my mental state. I was depressed. Big time. I was suffering from full blown anxiety attacks and could not even leave the house. I had developed a fear far greater than any other I had ever known. I was too scared to let people see me, to talk to people or to be a part of society.

Needless to say it was a long recovery. I had my parents by my side and step by step I gradually put the pieces of my life back together. I was finally strong enough to end the relationship I was in, and went on to meet my future husband.

Wedding Photo

I could work again and I had a new focus in life. I wanted to have a family. Be a mum. Just like in the beginning but without the tour buses and light shows…

I still to this date have major self esteem issues related to my weight. I’m not sure they will ever really disappear, I have just learnt to manage them a whole lot better. I am now on a weight-loss journey, but not for the CD shop man, for me, for my health and most of all for my children.

The children

Coming Soon….

Stay tuned for Part 2, another insight into what makes me, ME!

Owl with my name

 


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    3 comments
    1. Erin

      I relate so much to this post that you have me bawling in agreement. I have always been larger, I was in an abusive relationship and I too have suffered depression and anxiety. I also suffer from compulsive eating. Thank you so much for sharing this very personal bit of yourself it really helps me to feel more normal. Keep smiling :)

    2. commonchaoschronicle

      You're welcome Erin, it is just as much benefit to me as it is to you. There's some things that we just keep inside for far too long. Thanks for your comment. You're not alone! Big Luv, Jac xox

    3. Pauline

      Thanks Jac for opening up and sharing some if your inner self. We all hit tough spots in our own personal journeys, and it somehow makes it less burdensome when you know others share your journey. As women it's makes us stronger to share and bond, even with strangers, but then again no fellow woman is ever a stranger is she? Thanks for open honesty xo

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